suburban criminals lack common sense

I just read a police blotter from an online news site called Patch.  They basically cover local news in different towns around the country.  This particular town is in Marple Township, Pennsylvania.  I’ve never read a police blotter until today.  It was pretty funny because I realized how dumb and amateur some of these criminals are.

Exhibit A
A woman’s purse gets pickpocketed inside a Dollar Tree.  The thief makes away with $95 cash, a check for $167 and a $900 watch.  Not bad for a dollar store pickpocket.  But the question begs to be asked, if you’re looking to score from unsuspecting shoppers, why a 99 cents store?  Are there not better places to conduct one’s black business?

Exhibit B
Two women get away with $200 worth of Old Navy clothing.  First of all, Old Navy still exists?  Secondly, people still like Old Navy?  And third, isn’t $200 of Old Navy gear pretty much half the store?  In the blotter, it also says that Old Navy employees were able to stop the women and recover one of their bags of stolen items so maybe they could have gotten away with $400 instead.  But seriously?!  You let two women carrying two huge bags of about $200 each walk right out and are only able to get one of those bags?  How fast could they have run with such extra weight on them?  Dumb criminals and dumb Old Navy employees.

Exhibit C
A burglar steals some jewelry and a five pound jug of cash and coins worth about $100.  Jewelry, fine.  There was ice on it apparently.  The five pound jug?  Really?  That’s the best you could do?  You’re in a house all by yourself and all you can do is steal $100 in pennies and nickels?  Come on mang!  Honestly, at that point, why would you even take the additional risk of the weight carrying you down?  Stupid.

Conclusion
Suburban criminals are dumb.  But maybe one needs to start at the dollar store and at Old Navy and with five pound jugs of change to move on to bigger and better thangs.  Everyone’s gotta start somewhere.

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2 responses to “suburban criminals lack common sense

  1. you should have a weekly “c’mon, man(g)!” blog entry

  2. hilarious. good feedback. you should read them every week. some are pretty humorous.

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